If
you want to know what to do and what not to do in Key West, it's most
likely best to touch base with someone who lives here year 'round.
I'm in my twelfth year living in Key West and it's often funny when I
hear visitors giving other visitors suggestions on what to do.
Sometimes they are right and other times I'm thinking “No! You
really don't want to do that!
Here
are some “Do's and Don't's :-)
Rule #1 Relax. I see so many people running here and there trying to stick 10 hours into 6 hours of a vacation afternoon. They're not in Key West. At least their brains aren't. They're are still on that "Mainland Mentality". Lose the Mainland Mentality and switch to island time! If you have six hours to spend in an afternoon, schedule three and leave three for just hanging out. This is the most important rule.
After that:
After that:
If
following a golf cart do not believe their turn
indicators! Golf
carts turn signal indicator switches do not return and the operators
often forget to return them to off.
Do
not drive in Key West. Parking is a major pain in the ass and
expensive. If you drive to get here, park the car in your
hotel/motel/guest house's parking and the next time you get in it, is
when you leave to go back home. If you do park in the public parking
lots, or on the street, we recommend taking the course at the college on Stock Island on
how to use the parking meter machines. The course will take a
semester to complete. Fortunately, you can take it on line. Once
you've completed the course, your next objective, once you have
actually found a place to park your car (Congratulations!) and you're standing in front
of the machine, or rather "Pay Station" as they cost about eighty grand I imagine, and for eighty grand you need a fancy, sophisticated name for it, right? Now, you've just gotten your degree learning how to use it, your next challenge is being able to see what the machine says.
This can be far more difficult than the course you just took, which, by the way, you get no college credits for, nor, more importantly, parking credits. The machines are from Switzerland. In Switzerland they have these things called “The Alps”, which, in the event you didn't know, are very, very high mountains. High mountains cast shadows. In Key West, our idea of a mountain is the Palm Avenue overpass. This doesn't qualify, regretfully. What we do have in Key West is an abundance of extremely bright sunshine! After alcohol, that's a main draw for tourism. When the sun hits these parking machines readout windows, you can't see anything. They hit the machines from dawn 'til dusk, by the way. When you took your course, you learned that the first window you may have wanted was the hourly window. And having passed the course, you learned that the position of the hourly window, once activated, switches places and it's old spot is now the access for “The Maximum”, which is all day and about the equivalent dollar amount for a fine dining dinner for two. While you've been appraised of this sinister little card trick in the course you just took, the problem you have now is that you can't see the screen at all and putting your credit card in there is akin to playing Russian Roulette if you risk just pushing buttons randomly. What you will see are people crouched over with their hands over their eyebrows as a makeshift visor, with a disjointed, off angular, look on their face with their mouths hung open in complete ajar bewilderment. My recommendation is that while you're taking the on line course from the Florida Keys Community College (local name FKCC) on how to operate the parking machine, practice this stance at home. A full length mirror is the only way to go. Dress the part as well. Put on your sandals, shorts, T-shirt, guayabera, or flowered shirt, so you actually feel like you're doing it in Key West! Crouch over with that supremely awkward look on your face with your hand shading your eyes. We call this "The Key West Parking Grunt and Crouch", or in the best of local lingo KWGC! This will make you feel like you belong at that machine!
Take your credit card with your other hand and practice putting it in the machine. Bear in mind that the card is awkward to put in and pull out. The idea is to just slide in and out. ... that's almost impossible. Newbees stick it in and leave it. You don't want to do this, but the machine is so awkward that often your fingers hit the top, side, or bottom of the credit card insert and your card gets left behind. It's no problem to retrieve it at all, but you may have to swipe it again, or even use a different card "Cannot read card" may pop up. So practice this too in front of the mirror! Have your significant other photograph you, so you can study and refine your look. Also, it's very, very important to practice Key West Parking Machine vernacular. Don't worry! They have a course in the college for this too! Lets try just a few typical phrases heard at the machines. “What is going on with this thing?” “I can't see what it says” “Does anyone here know what's going on with this thing?”. After several minutes this advances to a more sophisticated vernacular “What the hell is going on with this F#@%*&# thing, anyway?!!!” or, “Who bought these %$#@!&$#;^ things anyway???” “I only wanted an hour and this G0$#*&$%;@( thing just charged me a full F$#&%#;*%@ day!!!” You can also practice pounding your fist on top of the machine in frustration. Kicking it is likewise a favorite popular pastime. You really don't want to do either of these too hard because if you actually break it, the city can most likely see your face from the machine itself and have you tracked down, arrested, thrown in jail, and charged around $80.000.00 for a new machine.
This can be far more difficult than the course you just took, which, by the way, you get no college credits for, nor, more importantly, parking credits. The machines are from Switzerland. In Switzerland they have these things called “The Alps”, which, in the event you didn't know, are very, very high mountains. High mountains cast shadows. In Key West, our idea of a mountain is the Palm Avenue overpass. This doesn't qualify, regretfully. What we do have in Key West is an abundance of extremely bright sunshine! After alcohol, that's a main draw for tourism. When the sun hits these parking machines readout windows, you can't see anything. They hit the machines from dawn 'til dusk, by the way. When you took your course, you learned that the first window you may have wanted was the hourly window. And having passed the course, you learned that the position of the hourly window, once activated, switches places and it's old spot is now the access for “The Maximum”, which is all day and about the equivalent dollar amount for a fine dining dinner for two. While you've been appraised of this sinister little card trick in the course you just took, the problem you have now is that you can't see the screen at all and putting your credit card in there is akin to playing Russian Roulette if you risk just pushing buttons randomly. What you will see are people crouched over with their hands over their eyebrows as a makeshift visor, with a disjointed, off angular, look on their face with their mouths hung open in complete ajar bewilderment. My recommendation is that while you're taking the on line course from the Florida Keys Community College (local name FKCC) on how to operate the parking machine, practice this stance at home. A full length mirror is the only way to go. Dress the part as well. Put on your sandals, shorts, T-shirt, guayabera, or flowered shirt, so you actually feel like you're doing it in Key West! Crouch over with that supremely awkward look on your face with your hand shading your eyes. We call this "The Key West Parking Grunt and Crouch", or in the best of local lingo KWGC! This will make you feel like you belong at that machine!
Take your credit card with your other hand and practice putting it in the machine. Bear in mind that the card is awkward to put in and pull out. The idea is to just slide in and out. ... that's almost impossible. Newbees stick it in and leave it. You don't want to do this, but the machine is so awkward that often your fingers hit the top, side, or bottom of the credit card insert and your card gets left behind. It's no problem to retrieve it at all, but you may have to swipe it again, or even use a different card "Cannot read card" may pop up. So practice this too in front of the mirror! Have your significant other photograph you, so you can study and refine your look. Also, it's very, very important to practice Key West Parking Machine vernacular. Don't worry! They have a course in the college for this too! Lets try just a few typical phrases heard at the machines. “What is going on with this thing?” “I can't see what it says” “Does anyone here know what's going on with this thing?”. After several minutes this advances to a more sophisticated vernacular “What the hell is going on with this F#@%*&# thing, anyway?!!!” or, “Who bought these %$#@!&$#;^ things anyway???” “I only wanted an hour and this G0$#*&$%;@( thing just charged me a full F$#&%#;*%@ day!!!” You can also practice pounding your fist on top of the machine in frustration. Kicking it is likewise a favorite popular pastime. You really don't want to do either of these too hard because if you actually break it, the city can most likely see your face from the machine itself and have you tracked down, arrested, thrown in jail, and charged around $80.000.00 for a new machine.
Of
course, the other option is to leave your car at the hotel.
The
Conch Train and the Old Town Trolley are a fabulous source for
learning historical Key West! One of Key West's main attractions is
it's history and these tours are overflowing with Key West history.
Do this! If you like you can wear a Groucho Marx glasses and mustache, if you don't want people to recognize you. That's okay! Just do yourself a favor and take the Conch Train or the Trolley!
Conch
Train
Old
Town Trolley
During
“season” the hospital opens up an entire wing to cater to
injuries and medical issues tourists unfortunately run into. One of
the biggest causes of injuries is scooter accidents. Suggestion: be
familiar with how to operate a scooter before
you rent one.
Depending
on your source of information, Key West sits one-hundred and ten
miles (or more) out to sea. Get out on the water! Fishing charters
are abundant, both deep sea and flats fishing. Water activities are
in plenty with various activity excursions throughout the day. Check
them out at offices and kiosks on Key West Bight! Additionally,
sunset sails go out every day and offer libations gratis!
The
local nickname for the pool at bar that starts with a D on the dock is “The Petri Dish”
Hummmm. No, I've never gone in.
I
often joke about The Hemingway House and say “I hate the Hemingway
House” to people and when they ask why, my reply is “Because
they won't let me move in!” This is of course met with laughter,
however, the fact is the Hemingway House is both stunning and
historical. Personally, I think it's the most beautiful house on the
island. That says an awful lot because there are about 9000 homes on
the island that rate a 10+. Go to the Hemingway House, take the tour.
I can vouch for Rusty Hodgdon and Boston Bob, both of whom give great tours. The
others may as well be fabulous as well, I just don't know them.
Use
common sense if you're on a bicycle. Many people who come to town and
rent bikes haven't been on one in twenty or thirty years. If this is
you, ride on the side roads before venturing out on the more busy
streets and get acclimated safely with riding again. On busy streets,
such as Duval, Whitehead, Simonton, Truman, Eaton, Fleming, Southard,
if you're riding with friends, ride in single
file! Pay no
attention to the southern part of Whitehead being permitted for
bicycles being allowed to ride next to each other. This is nonsense.
About 70% of the automobile/SUV/Truck drivers on the road at any time
are not from here. 70% or more of them, don't know where
they are going. It's true. They
are trying to figure it out. They don't have a clue and are not looking where they are driving, but rather looking at street signs, or are fascinated at the beautiful house their passenger just pointed out. They turn the wrong way up one way streets, they are not paying attention to
speed limits, most are lost....Consider the odds. One human being on
a bike vs a 3000 – 6000lb vehicle. Know your odds and what you're doing. Be
careful!
"I feel terrible officer! I was just driving along and I saw this man in a tutu with feathers in his hair and a boa when suddenly this bicyclist was on my windshield!.... What? I was going the wrong way on a one way street? This is a one way street? 😧....."
"I feel terrible officer! I was just driving along and I saw this man in a tutu with feathers in his hair and a boa when suddenly this bicyclist was on my windshield!.... What? I was going the wrong way on a one way street? This is a one way street? 😧....."
The
Butterfly Conservatory. Don't even ask, just go here. You'll be
amazed!
Sunset
The
best way to catch sunset in Key West is on a boat. See above.
After
that, on the island there are some fabulous locations. My favorite is
Ft. Zachery Taylor. There are no obstructions whatsoever. This is a
state park. No alcohol is allowed to be brought in. Also, the park
closes at sunset. So once it sets, it's done and it's time to leave.
Sunset Pier is very good, as is Sunset Tiki in The Galleon.
In Key West, please use caution. Red lights mean Stop, Green lights mean Go. Again, bear in mind that most of the traffic here is not from here and the vast majority of them are LOST and looking at everything except where they are going.
Have fun and be safe!
In Key West, please use caution. Red lights mean Stop, Green lights mean Go. Again, bear in mind that most of the traffic here is not from here and the vast majority of them are LOST and looking at everything except where they are going.
Have fun and be safe!
Thank you for reading my blog!!! The blog takes approximately six hours to put together. Essentially it's a labor of love, as there is no monetary compensation. So, please check out my music and books and if you enjoyed reading the blog, you may enjoy the books, and/or my music! Thanks! Chris.
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