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Wednesday, October 30, 2019

What to Do and Not to Do in Key West




If you want to know what to do and what not to do in Key West, it's most likely best to touch base with someone who lives here year 'round. I'm in my twelfth year living in Key West and it's often funny when I hear visitors giving other visitors suggestions on what to do. Sometimes they are right and other times I'm thinking “No! You really don't want to do that!

Here are some “Do's and Don't's :-)

Rule #1 Relax. I see so many people running here and there trying to stick 10 hours into 6  hours of a vacation afternoon. They're not in Key West. At least their brains aren't. They're are still on that "Mainland Mentality". Lose the Mainland Mentality and switch to island time! If you have six hours to spend in an afternoon, schedule three and leave three for just hanging out. This is the most important rule.

After that:

If following a golf cart do not believe their turn indicators! Golf carts turn signal indicator switches do not return and the operators often forget to return them to off.

Do not drive in Key West. Parking is a major pain in the ass and expensive. If you drive to get here, park the car in your hotel/motel/guest house's parking and the next time you get in it, is when you leave to go back home. If you do park in the public parking lots, or on the street, we recommend taking the course at the college on Stock Island on how to use the parking meter machines. The course will take a semester to complete. Fortunately, you can take it on line. Once you've completed the course, your next objective, once you have actually found a place to park your car (Congratulations!) and you're standing in front of the machine, or rather "Pay Station" as they cost about eighty grand I imagine, and for eighty grand you need a fancy, sophisticated name for it, right? Now, you've just gotten your degree learning how to use it, your next challenge is  being able to see what the machine says. 





This can be far more difficult than the course you just took, which, by the way, you get no college credits for, nor, more importantly, parking credits. The machines are from Switzerland. In Switzerland they have these things called “The Alps”, which, in the event you didn't know, are very, very high mountains. High mountains cast shadows. In Key West, our idea of a mountain is the Palm Avenue overpass. This doesn't qualify, regretfully. What we do have in Key West is an abundance of extremely bright sunshine! After alcohol, that's a main draw for tourism. When the sun hits these parking machines readout windows, you can't see anything. They hit the machines from  dawn 'til dusk, by the way. When you took your course, you learned that the first window you may have wanted was the hourly window. And having passed the course, you learned that the position of the hourly window, once activated, switches places and it's old spot is now the access for “The Maximum”, which is all day and about the equivalent dollar amount for a fine dining dinner for two. While you've been appraised of this sinister little card trick in the course you just took, the problem you have now is that you can't see the screen at all and putting your credit card in there is akin to playing Russian Roulette if you risk just pushing buttons randomly. What you will see are people crouched over with their hands over their eyebrows as a makeshift visor, with a disjointed, off angular, look on their face with their mouths hung open in complete ajar bewilderment. My recommendation is that while you're taking the on line course from the Florida Keys Community College (local name FKCC) on how to operate the parking machine, practice this stance at home. A full length mirror is the only way to go. Dress the part as well. Put on your sandals, shorts, T-shirt, guayabera, or flowered shirt, so you actually feel like you're doing it in Key West! Crouch over with that supremely awkward look on your face with your hand shading your eyes. We call this "The Key West Parking Grunt and Crouch", or in the best of local lingo KWGC! This will make you feel like you belong at that machine! 





Take your credit card with your other hand and practice putting it in the machine. Bear in mind that the card is awkward to put in and pull out. The idea is to just slide in and out. ... that's almost impossible. Newbees stick it in and leave it. You don't want to do this, but the machine is so awkward that often your fingers hit the top, side, or bottom of the credit card insert and your card gets left behind. It's no problem to retrieve it at all, but you may have to swipe it again, or even use a different card "Cannot read card" may pop up. So practice this too in front of the mirror! Have your significant other photograph you, so you can study and refine your look. Also, it's very, very important to practice Key West Parking Machine vernacular. Don't worry! They have a course in the college for this too! Lets try just a few typical phrases heard at the machines. “What is going on with this thing?” “I can't see what it says” “Does anyone here know what's going on with this thing?”. After several minutes this advances to a more sophisticated vernacular “What the hell is going on with this F#@%*&# thing, anyway?!!!” or, “Who bought these %$#@!&$#;^ things anyway???” “I only wanted an hour and this G0$#*&$%;@( thing just charged me a full F$#&%#;*%@ day!!!” You can also practice pounding your fist on top of the machine in frustration. Kicking it is likewise a favorite popular pastime. You really don't want to do either of these too hard because if you actually break it, the city can most likely see your face from the machine itself and have you tracked down, arrested, thrown in jail, and charged around $80.000.00 for a new machine.

Of course, the other option is to leave your car at the hotel.

The Conch Train and the Old Town Trolley are a fabulous source for learning historical Key West! One of Key West's main attractions is it's history and these tours are overflowing with Key West history. Do this! If you like you can wear a Groucho Marx glasses and mustache, if you don't want people to recognize you. That's okay! Just do yourself a favor and take the Conch Train or the Trolley!

Conch Train

Old Town Trolley

During “season” the hospital opens up an entire wing to cater to injuries and medical issues tourists unfortunately run into. One of the biggest causes of injuries is scooter accidents. Suggestion: be familiar with how to operate a scooter before you rent one.




Depending on your source of information, Key West sits one-hundred and ten miles (or more) out to sea. Get out on the water! Fishing charters are abundant, both deep sea and flats fishing. Water activities are in plenty with various activity excursions throughout the day. Check them out at offices and kiosks on Key West Bight! Additionally, sunset sails go out every day and offer libations gratis!







The local nickname for the pool at bar that starts with a D on the dock is “The Petri Dish” Hummmm. No, I've never gone in.


I often joke about The Hemingway House and say “I hate the Hemingway House” to people and when they ask why, my reply is “Because they won't let me move in!” This is of course met with laughter, however, the fact is the Hemingway House is both stunning and historical. Personally, I think it's the most beautiful house on the island. That says an awful lot because there are about 9000 homes on the island that rate a 10+. Go to the Hemingway House, take the tour. I can vouch for Rusty Hodgdon and Boston Bob, both of whom give great tours. The others may as well be fabulous as well, I just don't know them.







Use common sense if you're on a bicycle. Many people who come to town and rent bikes haven't been on one in twenty or thirty years. If this is you, ride on the side roads before venturing out on the more busy streets and get acclimated safely with riding again. On busy streets, such as Duval, Whitehead, Simonton, Truman, Eaton, Fleming, Southard, if you're riding with friends, ride in single file! Pay no attention to the southern part of Whitehead being permitted for bicycles being allowed to ride next to each other. This is nonsense. About 70% of the automobile/SUV/Truck drivers on the road at any time are not from here. 70% or more of them, don't know where they are going. It's true. They are trying to figure it out. They don't have a clue and are not looking where they are driving, but rather looking at street signs, or are fascinated at the beautiful house their passenger just pointed out. They turn the wrong way up one way streets, they are not paying attention to speed limits, most are lost....Consider the odds. One human being on a bike vs a 3000 – 6000lb vehicle. Know your odds and what you're doing. Be careful!

"I feel terrible officer! I was just driving along and I saw this man in a tutu with feathers in his hair and a boa when suddenly this bicyclist was on my windshield!.... What? I was going the wrong way on a one way street? This is a one way street? 😧....."

The Butterfly Conservatory. Don't even ask, just go here. You'll be amazed!


Sunset

The best way to catch sunset in Key West is on a boat. See above.

After that, on the island there are some fabulous locations. My favorite is Ft. Zachery Taylor. There are no obstructions whatsoever. This is a state park. No alcohol is allowed to be brought in. Also, the park closes at sunset. So once it sets, it's done and it's time to leave. Sunset Pier is very good, as is Sunset Tiki in The Galleon.

In Key West, please use caution. Red lights mean Stop, Green lights mean Go. Again, bear in mind that most of the traffic here is not from here and the vast majority of them are LOST and looking at everything except where they are going.


Have fun and be safe!




Thank you for reading my blog!!! The blog takes approximately six hours to put together. Essentially it's a labor of love, as there is no monetary compensation. So, please check out my music and books and if you enjoyed reading the blog, you may enjoy the books, and/or my music! Thanks! Chris.

Please check out The Shanty Hounds NEW LIVE RELEASE!!!



Unleashed! Live at Grunts – Key West”



A true, authentic sound of Key West 
http://theshantyhounds.com/

Also available at:

iTunes Store








Please check out my book "Time Traveler - The Oddities and Adventures of a Key West Bartender". Follow Mark Straight's continuing journey and friendships from current Key West, back to historical Key West and elsewhere!

 Order paperback or download here! Paperback comes with a free download!

 26 Five-Star ratings!






Also, my first book, Bar Stories, is now available in paperback!


Available on Amazon! 18 Five-Star ratings!




Also, here's more of music here at iTunes!







Thursday, October 24, 2019

MOTM, Key West Live Music



                                



Undoubtedly, Key West is one of the most unique and fascinating live music venues in the world. I don't say that lightly, either. This is not a statement made off the cuff. This is the reality. Here, on a mile and a half wide by four mile long tropical island, there are over sixty live music venues, and the vast majority of them are in a six block by four square block area.

                               The Hippie Band at Schooner Wharf Bar  10/23/2019



Dani Hoy and I, A.K.A. “The Shanty Hounds” yesterday played our 299th gig of the year and that was only October 23, the 296th day of the year. If we lived somewhere else, it would take us years to reach 299 gigs. We actually have a couple of days off and #300 is Saturday night at The Tipsy Rooster... at the end of line of the Fantasy Fest Parade!

One of the fabulous things here is that everyplace pays you to perform. They treat you like professionals. In contrast, Nashville, “Music City”, no one pays you to play. They play pretty much for tips. On the one hand, personally I think that's a disgrace. It's a complete disregard and disrespect for the performers, because as they don't pay them, it says they have zero value. The same can be said for audience members who don't offer gratuity.

Another fascinating thing is that in Key West, no place charges a cover! Several years back. My friend Vintz came to visit. We grew up together in New Jersey about 25 miles from NYC. Vintz was amazed! He said to me “I can't believe there's all this incredible music and you just walk in! There's no cover charge”. He's right, it is incredible!

I realize how very fortunate we are to live and make a living, playing music in Key West! Housing costs are through the roof, but we've been able to get by.

(We also do charitable work for worthy causes and we're currently giving a percentage of out tip jar to keywestcares.com  for Hurricane Dorian relief of Green Turtle Cay (pronounce: Green Turtle Key), which on paper is our sister city, but the reality is that it's our mother city.


It's always vital to give back. Good Karma!)

I've stated many, many times in the blog and social media, that the level of the vast majority of Key West musicians is the very top shelf. Trust me, when we have a great performance, it can be very humbling to hear the next player kick in! On the other hand, the bar is set higher and it's a mark to strive for.

Lets take a hypothetical: Lets say you go on vacation to Jamaica, or Trinidad. Would you seek out the local music scene, or would you prefer to hang at the hotel and listen to the piped in American music?

For those who would want to seek out local music, you're an adventurer and an explorer! We're kindred spirits. We like to get out of the safe cocoon and venture out! We live to explore to discover new things and see what's out there!



Welcome to The Conch Republic! “As the world’s first ‘fifth world’ country, we exist as a ‘state of mind’ and aspire only to bring more warmth, humor and respect to a planet we find in sore need of all three,” Sir Peter Anderson, Secretary General of the Conch Republic+



Yes, you're in a foreign country. The Conch Republic, A.K.A. The Florida Keys, of which Key West is the capitol, is a very unique country at that, in so many ways. This mile and a half by four mile tropical island sits over one hundred and ten miles out to sea. Some say more. Key West has a total land mass is 4.2 miles (11km). It's about 90 miles to Cuba, 155 miles to Miami, and the trip from Key West to outer space is about half the distance to the closest Wallmart. 😲 Tourists often ask if we accept American money. We, in fact, do! 👍 😀

So, you've traveled to this little island and we urge you to get out and discover local music! As I mentioned, the musicians here are fabulous!

"Who and Where in KW" is an excellent way to find local talent here and can be found on Facebook.

Understand, the local performers live, breath, and the blood that runs through their veins carries the true pulse of these islands. They ARE the island. If you want the real deal first hand, these are the performers to check out! If you're coming in for MOTM, be certain to check out one or two local performers while you're in town!





One last thing, please tip the performers! Rent here starts at over $2K per month.

As an example to go by:

One way of thinking of it would be in NYC a cover would be $20. Si, here. if you really liked the band, tip them $10, that's a fabulous deal! You got to hear fabulous music and paid them ½ what the cover is in NYC, plus it's actually better than that because if you were in NYC, you'd most likely tip them $10, or $20 anyway. So, in the end, tossing a Key West performer $10 saved you as much as $30 vs NYC! 😃

If you liked the performer, a $5 tip is good. 😉

It's interesting. We have a fair amount of homeless in Key West. It really touches me and means so much when they tip $1. I used to say “Oh no, that's okay don't worry about it”, but they always would not hear anything of my jabber and they would say “You made my day!”, or something to that effect. They had to sacrifice something to give up that dollar. That means a lot. 🙏


We are grateful to all!!! Thank you SO MUCH!

For this year's MOTM, here is The Shanty Hounds schedule


And DON'T forget Dani and Chris' MOTM After Party!! See ling to blog below!

https://keywestmusic.blogspot.com/2019/09/dani-chris-motm-after-party-bbq.html







Thank you for reading my blog!!!

Please check out The Shanty Hounds NEW LIVE RELEASE!!!



Unleashed! Live at Grunts – Key West”



A true, authentic sound of Key West 
http://theshantyhounds.com/

Also available at:

iTunes Store








Please check out my book "Time Traveler - The Oddities and Adventures of a Key West Bartender". Follow Mark Straight's continuing journey and friendships from current Key West, back to historical Key West and elsewhere!

 Order paperback or download here! Paperback comes with a free download!

 26 Five-Star ratings!






Also, my first book, Bar Stories, is now available in paperback!


Available on Amazon! 18 Five-Star ratings!




Also, here's more of music here at iTunes!